You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
