I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
