My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
