Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
