I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
