Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
