Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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