Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
