i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
