I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
