don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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