I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
