You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
