god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
