bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
