Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
