He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
