Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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