Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
