She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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