Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
