Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
