I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
