Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
