i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
