I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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