she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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