He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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