I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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