Screwed.edu
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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