Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
dude. I can hear the air.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
