I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
