And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
