and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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