your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i need an iv and a liver transplant
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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