So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
