I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
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I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
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You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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