Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
