Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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