I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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