i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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