did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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