She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
