believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
