I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
