both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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