I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
