if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
