We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
