you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
