This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
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I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
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Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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