I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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