I'm gonna have a badass scar
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Pooping to opera.
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