i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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